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01 April 2007 @ 12:00 am
Fractured Fairy Tales: The Ugly Duckling (FY)  
Title: Fractured Fairy Tales: The Ugly Duckling
Fandom: Fushigi Yuugi
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Publish Date: 7/29/2004 to 8/27/2004
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi...NO DA! :D



As before, the audience was milling around, talking amidst themselves. Somewhere in the crowd, a baby cried, and there was a perpetual rustling of fabric and paper. They fell still and silent as the curtain rose and the lights on stage came up.

A spotlight focused on the formidable form of Mitsukake as he walked to the podium and set a thick book on it, already open to a page. “Good evening. Tonight, we wish to present to you a heartbreaking tale of teenaged woes and high school anxiety, in our production of the classic story, The Ugly Duckling. And for our story, we would like to bring in a very special person to play our leading man.”

There was a poof of smoke, and when it evaporated, they all saw their star.

Tamahome’s fourteen-year-old self had appeared on stage, looking around in confusion. Everyone was fairly amused to discover that in his slightly younger years, Tamahome was very gangly, and had a penchant for tripping over his own two feet. Everyone also realizes that he wasn’t always that good-looking

Mitsukake looked quite satisfied. “Now, we can begin our story.” He cleared his throat. “Once upon a time, there was a kid named Tamahome. He was a nice guy, but he had a problem. He was incredibly awkward, and had a tendency to be very shy. Especially around girls.”

Yui and Soi walked across the stage together. Tamahome’s younger self suddenly went catatonic.

Mitsukake chuckled. “Unfortunately, this shyness soon spread to affect other areas of his life. People began to make fun of him, and life generally was quite unpleasant for the young man.” The Seiryuu Seven, minus Soi, ran out onto the stage in a line. Each smacked young Tamahome on the back of the head as they passed by, except for Tomo, who hit him somewhere a little lower.

Various fangirls in the audience went on the rampage.

“It was especially difficult on him when he met the girl of his dreams.”

Miaka walked onto the stage and flashed a big smile. “Hello. I am the girl of your dreams.”

Young Tamahome’s eyes turned into little hearts, and he was suddenly surrounded by little floating hearts, and bluebirds, cheerfully singing songs of love around him. “Sweet Suzaku!”

Mitsukake sighed. “Unfortunately, he was too shy, and couldn’t get up the nerve to talk to her.”

The hearts around Young Tamahome all popped like balloons, and the birdies disappeared—much to the disappointment of Chichiri, who was backstage using his staff to try and catch one of them.

“In short, he was just an ugly duckling.”

Young Tamahome wailed, “I’m so awkward!”

The audience all chorused together in a big, “AWWWW!!!” Most of them wanted to hug him.

“Things came to a head one day at school, during choir class,” Mitsukake went on.

Suboshi strolled out, wearing a pair of thick glasses he’d donned to give the illusion of intelligence. “All right, class. Today, we’re going to be auditioning for the big solo in the upcoming show. This is very important, so we need someone professional to do it.”

Someone snored loudly.

“Don’t make me get the Meteor Balls!” he snarled.

The entire class was suddenly very much awake, and very much afraid.

“So who wants to do the solo? Anyone at all?” he asked. Young Tamahome reluctantly raised his hand. “Wonderful! Now, stand up and sing it for us! Remember, this solo is the most important part of the show. Show us what you can do!”

Young Tamahome walks to center stage, clears his throat, and begins to sing the big, important solo. “Mary had a little lamb…”

It was at this point that everyone realized something important: at the age of fourteen, Tamahome had not yet grown into his voice. It was still changing. All those in the audience with even the most remote sense of pitch cringed in pain.

The tone-deaf audience members, however, cheered. “He’s fantastic! Encore! Encore!”

Suboshi jumped up. “Stop, stop, stop! What do you think you’re doing?!?” He turned to the girls in the class. “Would you please show him how to do this right, ladies?”

Yui, Soi, and Houki stood up, looked at each other, and began, “Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb, it’s fleece was white as…” they paused, “…snow! All three giggled.

Vindicated, Mr. Suboshi pointed at the three girls. “There! See? That’s how it’s supposed to be done, Tamahome. Go to detention! Now where’s my prune juice?”

The entire audience face-faulted and sweatdropped while Suboshi went and gathered the Meteor Balls and left the stage to hunt down whoever wrote this damn script. On a little college campus somewhere in Middle-of-Nowhere, USA, a young author suddenly became very afraid for her life.

Mitsukake continued narrating. “And so poor Tamahome was sent to detention.”

Young Tamahome looked absolutely miserable. He peered out at the audience, through big puppy dog eyes, and sniffled with just the right amount of gusto. And the audience couldn’t take it anymore.

“AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!”

Young Tamahome looked out at them, the very picture of pity, and said… “THIS SUCKS!!” He sat down and put his chin in his hands. “I really wish I was different…”

Suddenly, Chiriko and Tasuki came running out holding a large piece of green fabric, which they held in front of Young Tamahome, hiding him from the view of the audience. Nuriko and Hotohori also came dashing out; they began dancing in front of the fabric.

“Do the hustle!” Nuriko shook his nether-regions.

Hotohori, not one to be outdone, joined in. “I’m the man with the four-way hips!”

The audience was, once again, extremely disturbed. This feeling was actually tripled when they realized that Tasuki, Chiriko, Nuriko, and Hotohori were all wearing pink tutus over their normal clothes.

Chichiri pranced out to the front of the stage, also wearing a tutu and his trademark smile. He then announced proudly to the audience, “We are the Magical Puberty Fairies, no da!”

Everyone then pranced around daintily for a while before they all scampered offstage, taking the cloth with them. As the green curtain was pulled away, the Tamahome we all know and love was revealed.

Tamahome smiled.

The fangirls went crazy.

Miaka entered.

Tamahome looked at her. “Hello.”

He then ripped his shirt off.

Every female in the audience died of joy.

Miaka looked back at him and his rippling pectorals. “I love you.”

Mitsukake smiled. “And they lived happily ever, thanks to…the Magical Puberty Fairies, I guess.”

Tasuki and Nuriko came back out from the wings, dragging Chiriko to the middle of the stage.

“Okay, kid, your turn,” Tasuki announced, dropping the youngest seishi onto the floor. The Magical Puberty Fairies then did some sort of bizarre tribal dance around Chiriko. Actually, it wasn’t that bizarre, really. However, it descended well into the realm of bizarre-ness when Hotohori and Tasuki goaded each other into a Macarena contest.

Mitsukake watched impassively for a moment before shrugging. “…okay then.” He bowed to the audience. “We hope you enjoyed the show. Thank you very much, and good night.” He leaves.

The audience then fled the theatre.

Meanwhile, on stage, the fairies moved away to reveal that Chiriko had been transformed. And he looked an awful lot like Johnny Depp. He was then chased by Soi, Yui, and Hotohori, who wished to kill Chiriko for daring to be that good looking.