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09 April 2007 @ 09:58 pm
The Way We Weren't (DC)  
Title: The Way We Weren't
Fandom: Detective Conan
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Publish Date: 3/14/2006
Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan. But I do have homemade hand-puppets for each character...that's normal, right?



[A book is sitting on the table. The cover portrays shirtless!Shinichi (who has acquired a large amount of previously-invisible muscles) embracing voluptuous!Ran, who is wearing a dress with a collapsible bodice.]

RAN
Everyone check out my shoulders!

SHINICHI
Quiet, the book hasn’t started yet!

RAN
But…I have cleavage!

SHINICHI
I noticed ^___^

[The book magically opens to the first page, and the “story” begins.]

SHINICHI
Hello. I am a poor (but extremely good-looking), arrogant (but redeemable), angry (but still sexy!), bitter (but secretly craving love), lonely widower who is waiting for my mail-order bride while I’m stuck in the hospital.
[pause]
With amnesia.

SHIHO
Hello. I am your cold but attractive nurse.

[They engage in clever and witty banter. They do not like each other.]

SHIHO
You are scum. I do not like you.

SHINICHI
I hate yo—no, wait, that’s not right…umm…what’s my name again?

[There is more mockery and sarcasm between them, often involving hilariously brilliant insults, all disguised as character development. In the meantime, they secretly begin to realize that they have feelings for each other.]

SHIHO
You are handsome and I would totally bear your children…but I still don’t like you.

SHINICHI
Sorry, I’m too busy staring at your body.

SHIHO
Fair enough.

[Meanwhile, a creative and unpredictable plot twist occurs.]

RAN
Hello, I am your kind and beautiful mail-order bride. I just arrived. You want me.

SHINICHI
Well, this makes things awkward, doesn’t it?
[Somewhere along the line, he regains his memory, which may or may not have any bearing on the actual storyline.]
Yup, definitely awkward. Wait, there’s a storyline?

[In a sexy location—possibly a hallway—Shiho and Shinichi are together, gazing intently at each other. For reasons never adequately explained, Shiho is clad only in a negligee.]

SHIHO
Stop staring at my heaving breasts. I’m not going to sleep with you.

[The readers are now all wide awake.]

SHINICHI
Not even if I give you sad puppy dog eyes?
[He does.]

SHIHO
…shit.

[They shag, which is described mostly through the use of various clever and original euphemisms, including mounds, core, and sin-spear.]

[We are all startled to discover that everyone in this story is a whore. Big time.]

[…no, actually, we’re not really that surprised.]

[Meanwhile, while enjoying his newly-recovered memory, Shinichi has a revelation.]

SHINICHI
Holy shit, I’m loaded!
[He is rich and attractive. Everyone else is average and jealous of his radiance.]

RAN
Even though I’ve only known you for a few pages, I’ve fallen hopelessly in love with you. Please make me yours.

SHIHO
I’m so confused…

SHINICHI
I’m so rich…

RAN
I’m so clueless…

[Finally, everyone realizes that there’s a serious problem here, but not until after there has been much making out—and possibly screwing. This leads up to a tense and dramatic confrontation between our three protagonists.]

RAN
You have to chose your one true love. Now pick!

SHINICHI
That’s easy! It’s Shi—no, wait, it’s Ran—no…oh, I know this one, give me a sec…

[Jeopardy theme music plays.]

SHINICHI
You’re sure I can’t have both? A threesome would be hot.

RAN
I don’t share.

SHINICHI
Damn.

[Shiho flees sobbing and is hit by a bus]

SHINICHI
Aww, shit.

SHIHO
I’m dying…*gasp*…in a Highly Contrived Way…*gasp*…but now you…*wheeze*…can go be with…*Darth Vader-esque breathing sounds*…your one true love…now go…I love…*choke*…you…

[Shiho dies]

SHINICHI
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO—ya know, Ran’s really hot.

[Ran and Shinichi snog—and possibly shag—before skipping off into the sunset in a highly disturbing way. And everyone lived happily ever after—except for poor Shiho, who is, in fact, very dead.]

[The book from the beginning closes.]

SHINICHI
Sooooooo…no threesomes?