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09 April 2007 @ 10:24 pm
The Mystery Man (aka Detective Conan: The Musical) (DC)  
Title: The Mystery Man (aka Detective Conan: The Musical)
Fandom: Detective Conan
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Publish Date: 4/11/2006
Disclaimer: I don't own Detective Conan. But I do have homemade hand-puppets for each character...that's normal, right?



[The audience is murmuring to themselves, but quiets down as the orchestra plays the tuning note.]

[Heiji walks to the front of the stage.]

HEIJI:
Good evening. Before the show begins, we’d like to make a few quick announcements. Please turn off all cell phones and pagers. Anyone who has such a device go off during the production will be dragged kicking and screaming from the audience, taken to a small room backstage, and secretly married to Britney Spears. Nee-chan, please turn your father’s phone off for him.
[A struggle and crashing sounds are heard backstage.]
For your convenience, toilets are located in the bathroom. Please use them when necessary. Flash photography is strictly prohibited. Flashing, however, is highly encouraged.

KAZUHA:
[From off-stage] In your dreams, ahou!

HEIJI:
[mutters] Enjoy the show, folks.

[He leaves, and the curtain opens. The entire cast is standing in the center of the stage.]

AGASA:
Because I am the only one in the series who really knows everything that goes on in this crazy little world of ours, I get to do the big opening number.
[He clears his throat and starts to sing while everyone else dances (with surprisingly few fatalities)]

Something disgusting
Fingerprint dusting
Someone just dropping dead
A mystery tonight

Passions and weird drugs
Angsting and big hugs
Ran, put some clothes on!
A mystery tonight

Somebody screams, somebody dies
Tantei must work to see through the lies

Finding a cure
Keeping Ran pure
Beatings or romance will ignite
Normalcy tomorrow
Mystery tonight!


GIN:
You stepped on my foot.
[He shoots a random character on stage.]
No one saw that.

[Everyone scatters, and the “show” actually begins.]

[The curtain opens once again, revealing Agasa’s lab. Agasa and Conan are looking at a test tube.]

CONAN:
So what is it again?

AGASA:
It’s a special chemical, called a Contrived Plot Device.

CONAN:
Plot?

[The test tube explodes for no visible reason.]

AGASA:
Oh dear, the formula seems to have splashed over all the main characters!

CONAN:
What does that mean?

AGASA:
Well, if my notes are correct…everyone’s going to start bursting out into random song for a few pages.

CONAN:
…crap.

[The curtain closes and opens. Ran is standing in the center of the stage. The scene is her father’s office, and she is standing by the desk holding the phone. We can all guess what is going on.]

RAN:
Shinichi, but—oooooooh!!
[Slams phone down.]
God, he makes me so mad!! Do I really mean less to Shinichi than some stupid case? Why does he just run off every time a body hits the floor?!? Oh, when he gets back, I swear to God, I’m going to…grrrrrrrrr…
[She sings, and possibly punches things during the song. Or swing dances with a coat rack.]

Ah, ah, ah, I’ve had it
Your mysteries
You always tease
Kind of life
I’ve had enough of all that stuff

Ah, ah, ah, I’m sick of
Your knowing eyes
Suspecting lies
Kind of life
Let’s put a cap on all that crap

I just want to know the truth
I just want to knock you through the roof

Thro-o-ow that guy around!
Thro-o-ow that guy around!
Thro-o-ow that guy around!
Throw that guy, throw that guy, throw!

Girl knows guy
Girl cares for guy
Girl what?
Girl throws that guy around!

Throw that, throw that guy around
Kick his ass into the ground
Throw that guy around, around, around
Throw that guy around!


CONAN:
[Is watching from around the corner]
Meeeeeeep…maybe I should just go check out that latest KID note…

[Interlude: During rehearsal. Heiji is studying the lines for his big rap number.]

HEIJI:
So, do I grab my crotch before or after the obscene hand gestures?

KAITO:
After. Definitely after.

HEIJI:
Got it.

[Meanwhile, back at the ranch…]


[The latest Kid note is being examined, but no one will let Conan get anywhere near it.]

KOGORO:
[BONK!]
Go somewhere else! Annoying brat…

SHIRATORI:
Conan, go do…I don’t know, childish things.
[mutters]
Damn kid creeps me out…

TAKAGI:
[Is only vaguely aware that there is a heist note, as he is too busy staring at Satou.]

[Frustrated, our hero (Conan, not Takagi) moves away from the table where the Police are working. The spotlight momentarily blinds him while the music starts. It then screeches to a halt as he starts waving his arms and yelling at…somebody.]

CONAN:
Wait, wait! This is a bad idea! I can’t sing!

KAZUHA:
[sprints out on a stage, a note in her hand]
Due to our hero’s, um, lack of talent, his song will be dubbed by someone named…Minami Takayama.

CONAN:
I know that name from somewhere…meh, probably isn’t important.
[Clears his throat and starts to “sing.”]

Give me somebody to solve for
Give me somebody to clue
Let me wake up in the morning to find
I have something exciting to do

To have someone that I can relate to
To have someone to be
Use me, choose me

I’m a detective—detectives detect
Give me somebody to work with
Give me a cop to listen
Help me to help out the no-longer living
By figuring how to begin

Give me the mystery—give me a chance to work through
All I ever needed was the murder and the mystery
And the time to find the clue!


[Scene change: Heiji and Conan are hanging out, pondering over the heist note and discussing the “plot.”]

HEIJI:
So we’re in a musical now?

CONAN:
Pretty much.

HEIJI:
...well, if we end up looking like a boy band, somebody will pay. I swear by all that is holy…wonder when it’s going to kick in. Do you think we’ll have to dance?

[As if on cue, the music starts. Both find themselves getting jerked along like puppets.]

HEIJI:
Oh boy, this might be painful…
[He sings while he and Conan both dance. Possibly provocatively.]

We gotta work, we gotta practice
Though we know the simple fact is
Most of our moves look like a cactus
But we are…men!

And though we want to be the best
We have to get this off my chest
NSYNC—give it a rest.
‘Cause we are teenaged case-solving men

And we hate Kaitou Kid,
He keeps breaking into homes
We like Ellery Queen
But we love Sherlock Holmes

It’s the truth, and we ain’t lying
That we can send the crooks a flying
But we can’t stop people from dying
Still, we are case-solving,
Ass-kicking, fan-girl squee-ing men!


HEIJI:
Wait…what about Holmes?

CONAN:
Shut up—dance break!

[The curtain closes. Quickly. Everyone is relieved.]

[The curtain opens. Heiji and Kazuha are having an intelligent and thoughtful debate.]

HEIJI:
AHOU!!

KAZUHA:
AHOU!!

[This goes on for a while, until suddenly the music starts again.]

HEIJI:
I don’t feel compelled to sing. Must be your turn. [He grins evilly.]

KAZUHA:
[looks ready to swear, but has to start singing to Heiji instead]

In a very unusual way
One time, I yelled at you
In a very unusual way
You are a pain
Maybe it’s been for a day
Maybe it’s been for an hour
But I know you’ll never change

In a very unusual way
I think I’ve fallen for you
In a very unusual way
I don’t know why
Something inside me gets mad
Something inside me goes crazy
It’s because of you
It’s because of you

In a very unusual way
You’re still such an ahou
In a very unusual way
I guess it’s true

I’m admitting this now
What I have known since I met you
I just can’t seem to forget you
Though I do try to
In a very unusual way
Please, get a clue


HEIJI:
…are you trying to tell me something?

KAZUHA:
…oh, screw it.

[She kisses him and drags him off the stage.]

HEIJI:
[as the curtain closes] …huh?!?

[The curtain opens once again. Gin is standing alone in the spotlight, center stage. Because even Bad Guys with Blonde Hair of Evil need musical numbers. The pretty music starts. It really shouldn’t surprise anyone to see what’s coming next.]

[Seriously, you should have all seen this coming a mile away. I advise running away.]

[Still reading? Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you…]

GIN:
[singing]
Every night in my dreams, I see you, I feel you
That is how I know you go on
Far beyond the distance and spaces between us
You have come to show you go on…


[See, told ya so.]

[This goes on for far more verses than it really should. Finally, Vermouth walks out onto stage, and the music screeches to a stop. Everyone is extremely relieved, but says nothing. After all, Gin is Evil. And likes to shoot things. Bad combination.]

VERMOUTH:
Gin…why are you singing to your handgun?

GIN:
You just don’t understand our special relationship.
[He pets the handgun.]

VERMOUTH:
[She rolls her eyes.]
Whatever. I’m just going to toss my hair and leave.
[She does.]

GIN:
She’s just jealous that my blonde hair is so much more evil.

[Scene change: Kaitou Kid’s heist.]

KAITOU KID:
[singing as he rips off his female disguise and sprints away with some Large Gaudy Gem Thing]

I’m not dressing like a man today
No, I’m not dressing like a man today
Not that you probably care
‘Bout what I’m gonna wear
Still, I just wanna stand and say
That I’m not dressing like a man today!!


AOKO:
Go to hell!!

KAITOU KID:
[sweatdrops] Thank you…Nakamori-san.

[Conan and Heiji show up and give chase.]

KAITOU KID:
Where were you guys?

HEIJI:
Sorry, I was doing my rap number for the horde of screaming fangirls outside the stage door.

CONAN:
And I was cringing.

KAITOU KID:
Fair enough. I’m going to get away now, bringing this spectacle to a rather disappointing close.

HEIJI:
…meh, I’d rather go practice my song anyway. Curtain down!

CONAN:
If I were articulation, I’d be really pissed off about this.

KAITOU KID:
Word.

AI:
[rushes out just before the curtain closes]
Wait, wait! The show can’t be over yet! We haven’t had the cheesy, over-written, lovey-dovey pop ballad yet! We have to have one! It’s a rule! Even Spamalot had one!

KAITOU KID:
The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee didn’t. It just had "My Unfortunate Erection."

AI:
Yes, it did. “The I Love You Song.” It just wasn’t a love song in the traditional sense. The girl was singing about how she wished her family could all be together and say they loved each other…very sad, really.

KAITOU KID:
Oh yeah, I forgot about that. Hey, Kudo! Get out here and sing to your girlfriend!

[Ran and Shinichi are dragged onto the stage.]

RAN:
This is, like, the poster-child of the Bad Idea.

SHINICHI:
I agree. [blushes]

KAITOU KID:
Relax—just move your mouth, and I’ll do the rest.

SHINICHI:
That doesn’t inspire confidence. [looks at Ran, who is waiting expectantly] I swear by all that is holy, if you mess this up for me…I don’t even know what I’ll do to you, but it’ll be something very unsavory.

KAITOU KID:
Trust me.

SHINICHI:
I really don’t have a choice. Here goes nothing.
[Takes a deep breath as the music starts. He reaches out and takes Ran’s hands.

[Backstage, Kaitou Kid’s doing most of the actual work.]

SHINICHI-SLASH-KAITOU KID:
My greatest pride
Was in my brain
The murders were my life
I never cowered
Around a dead guy
Where blood was always rife

You waited with such patience
While I did what I do
Why did I never notice
You were always there too

If I sing, you tell me not to
If I grin, you roll your eyes
If I tease you without mercy
Then your temper always fries

When your face turns red with anger
Then I hide and start to pray
But even then, I can’t help thinking
That I love you anyway


RAN:
Really?

SHINICHI:
Weren’t you listening to the cheesy, over-written, lovey-dovey pop ballad?

RAN:
Oh yeah.

[Smooch.]

[The curtain closes on our happy couple. No one thinks to ask what happened to Conan.]

HEIJI:
Where’d Shorty go?

[I SAID NO ONE THINKS TO ASK THAT!!]

HEIJI:
…oooooooookay.

[Ahem. Moving along. Agasa-hakase is standing in front of the curtain.]

AGASA:
So thus ends our…what can loosely be called a story. Shinichi and Ran were together. No one thought about what happened to Conan because that would involve a plot. Satou and Takagi, who really didn’t have much of a part in this, are making up for it by making out backstage. Shiratori is moping.
[Insert appropriate sound effects here.]
And they lived happily ever after, even without a cohesive storyline or a flashy closing number. Thank you all, and goodnight.

[The curtain closes, and the audience flees the theatre in terror.]

[The show was never performed again, Nor did anyone ever actually figure out who Gin blew away during the first number. Was probably just another Victim of the Day.]




Everything except Gin's number *shudder* is an original parody of an existing Broadway song.

 
 
 
(Anonymous) on January 22nd, 2011 07:37 pm (UTC)
OKAAAAAAY~
This was interesting. Were you sugar high or something? Though HAHAHAHAHAHAH~!!!!! that was rich. Thank you~!!!!!!!!!