Fandom: Detective Conan
Theme: #26—“I never say the truth.”
Pairing: Hattori Heiji/Toyama Kazuha
Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan or any related characters. They belong to Gosho Aoyama. I simply throw fruit at them, take pictures, and call it modern art. Critics love me.
Summary: Every time I deny it, I’m lying through my teeth.
Heiji really is an ahou, you know.
And it’s not just because he’s stubborn. It’s not just because he’s argumentative—believe me, that’s not it. I am too, I freely admit it. It’s not just because he can piece together the most complex murder mysteries imaginable, but half the time he can’t remember where he left his shoes (true story, too).
Heiji is an ahou because he doesn’t see things. He can spot the tiniest, most insignificant clues to unlock unsolvable cases, but he can’t seem to grasp something that’s right in front of him, no matter how obvious or glaring it may be.
And that’s why he’s an ahou.
I’ve listened to a lot of people say that we’re meant to be, and that they can tell we have feelings for each other. These rumors range from mere crushes to full-blown love to things that I know none of them would say in front of their mothers. And Heiji and I get angry and our faces get red and we scream about how idiotic that is.
It’s so stupid, really. Every time I deny those rumors, I’m lying through my teeth.
I really am aware of how I feel. It took me a long time to figure it out, though. I’m as stubborn as Heiji is, really, and I don’t always like to admit that things change. So it took me a while to piece things together and realize why my chest started tightening whenever Heiji smiled and why I was always so happy to be near him, even if we were arguing.
Once I realized my own feelings, I went through a pretty long denial period. Me? Have feelings for Heiji? Ridiculous! It was just all those jibes and rumors from school, they were starting to get to me. That was all…yeah, right. But I accepted it after a while. How long could I really deny that I’d fallen for my best friend, the guy I’d shared a playpen with?
It’s such a horrible cliché.
Do I think there’s any hope that he’ll come around anytime soon or that he’ll suddenly confess to me that he has feelings for me? Hardly! This is Heiji we’re talking about. Half the time, I don’t think even he knows what’s going on in his head. And there’s always that tiny little fear that tells me someday he’ll find someone—some beautiful, special woman who can follow all his theories without him having to re-explain everything for us lesser mortals. And then I’ll be left behind for real. There are no guarantees.
So why do I put myself through this? Why do I stick around? Why do I stand by his side, nagging and teasing and heckling him like I do? Someone once commented that the way we act is almost verbally abusive—why do I tolerate the way he treats me? And why does he tolerate the way I treat him?
I don’t know why he puts up with it…but I know why I do. Because even if we’re not quite together in the way I sort of wish we were…we are still together. And that’s more than a lot of people have, I think. A lot of people watch us argue and scream and fight, and shake their heads in wonder as to how we could possibly call ourselves friends. But we are friends.
Heiji is my best friend, and has been for my whole life. And even though it doesn’t always show in the conventional way, he does care about me in his own bizarre way. He’s put himself in harm’s way for my sake, just as I have for him. There is a bond there. But even I’m not sure exactly how deep it runs.
Plus, I know we argue a lot. But really, I guess that’s how we communicate. Don’t get me wrong, we do have real conversations sometimes. We tease, we laugh, we talk, and we argue. We’re connecting, and we’re sharing. Yes, sometimes it goes a little too far, but…weighing it against everything else, it just doesn’t seem that important, really.
Ran-chan says that she thinks our relationship is very stable. And really, it is. I know that he won’t leave me behind, and I don’t plan on ditching him anytime soon. And yet I’m left with a dilemma. Is it better to keep my secret and maintain our odd form of stability, or should I take the risk, tell him what’s really going on, and hope that somehow, he feels the same?
I know it’s probably better to be honest. But I just can’t bring myself to bring my little secret out into the open. I guess I’m too afraid of what might happen or what might change. I know I’m a coward, but at least this way I can stay with him. I’m afraid to ‘fess up because of the changes it could bring, and…
Contrary to what others might think, I know Heiji worries about me. And I’m afraid that if I told him the truth about how I feel, he might worry. He might be concerned...and he might stop smiling. It’s worth it to me, to stay quiet (well, quiet about certain matters, I guess) and follow him on all those dumb cases, because I get to see him smile like that.
Of course, there’s some other part of me that’s afraid he might get it into his thick head that I’m joking or kidding around, and he’ll laugh at me. I’m pretty sure that’s ridiculous…but if he did laugh at me, I think it would break my heart.
So I keep my mouth shut.
Sometimes it hurts. There have been nights when I’ve had dreams of us. Some nights, they’re beautiful and I find myself in his arms; we’re together at last. Other nights, I watch him walk away without looking back; I’ve lost him forever. But then I wake up. I wrap my arms around myself and try to tell myself that it was just a dream…or a nightmare. It’s enough, though.
Our relationship is a lot more complicated than it appears at first glance, isn’t it? And so few people seem to realize that. They just stand there and jeer, and Heiji hollers denials right back at them. So he either doesn’t feel the same way, he just won’t admit it…or he’s unaware of it, as I was for a long time.
So I don’t say anything. My lips are sealed, and I will never tell him the whole truth.
Heiji is an ahou. This can’t be denied.
Yet I fell in love with him.
I have to wonder what that says about me.
PS. My logic for this: Kazuha seems to be fairly aware of her feelings regarding Heiji, though she won’t directly admit those feelings out loud. There’s just a few things she has said and done that lead me to believe that she more or less knows how she feels about him, even if he doesn’t have a clue. Hence, she gets a sweet little POV fic about it.
I hope you enjoyed it, everyone. Thanks for reading! Much love!