Fandom: Detective Conan
Theme: #4—teddy bear
Pairing: Hattori Heiji/Toyama Kazuha
Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan or any related characters. They belong to Gosho Aoyama. I simply throw fruit at them, take pictures, and call it modern art. Critics love me.
Summary: I'm going to talk to youfor a while, even though you can't hear me.
Heiji? Hello, Heiji? Would you pay attention to me already!
I guess you probably don’t even know who I am, do you? Allow me to introduce myself. I am your subconscious. I know things about you that you don’t even know—comes with being the part of your mind that you don’t get to dig around in. Needless to say, we’ve got a lot to discuss.
The big issue here is Kazuha.
It’s hilarious, the way you both blatantly deny that there’s anything going on between you, it’s totally platonic, you’re just friends, stop saying we’re married or I’ll beat your head in with a katana and make it look like an accident…I think it’s funny, because I know it’s not true.
You are so in love with her. If you actually realized just how much in love with her you really are, I don’t think you’d be able to function normally for a while. Yup, you’ve got it, and you’ve got it bad. Trouble is that you’re also too much of a cretin to realize it. See the problem here?
Of course you don’t. You don’t even know that I exist. See what I put up with?
Anyway, focus. Another dead body, whoop dee doo. Damn things follow you around. Can’t go anywhere without someone getting murdered. Every consider getting exorcised? It might help. Now you and Shorty are going to go do your thing, yay rah fun. Time to ask everyone what happened and where they were when it happened, yadda yadda…
Holy crap, look at that! She’s hugging that guy! What is he, a teddy bear? That should be you. You’d both be a whole lot happier if it was, I think. And you can’t figure out why the hell you’re so pissed off. Real brilliant, detective.
While you do your detective thing, I’m going to just continue rambling at you, even though you’re totally unaware of my existence. Why won’t you just get a clue? Remember the Spider Mansion thing, when she was all strung up like that and you thought she was dead? You freaked—total freak-out. And how about that little cliff incident? She was willing to die for you.
I feel sorry for that girl. You two have been best friends since you were kids. She’s been right there by your side, sticking with you through your best, your worst, and everything in between. She knows you inside and out, though not as well as I do, of course. I am a part of your mind, after all. You guys argue all the time—hell, I’d almost call that verbal abuse, really—but godammit, she’s still sticking with you.
You. Love. Her.
She. Loves. You.
…and you’re busy working with Four Eyes down there and solving the case. Why am I even bothering? Probably because I’m a part of you, and therefore I apparently have a few of your personality traits, be they desirable or not.
Oh, you’ve solved it. Why am I not surprised? One of these days, you’ll learn that there is actually more to life than mysteries. And no, I don’t mean just kendo, either. For a seventeen-year-old guy, you really need to spend some more time thinking about the important things in life.
Don’t make me start messing with your hormones. It won’t be pretty.
Wait…you’ve figured something out? About Kazuha?
I’m afraid to even look, because I never know what your mind is going to cook up next. You can piece together these freakish murders from the slightest clue, but you can’t pick up on what she’s trying to tell you. I swear, that poor girl could run into the room stark naked wearing a sign that said “CLUE” and stand on her head, and you’d probably ask if she was cold.
Okay, case solved. Yay for you. Big whoop. And yes, I know for a fact that you liked it when she hugged you. You think you’re so tough. Anyway, now’s your big chance. Go get her, big guy!
…no. No, you IDIOT!
She is not your “little follower.” She is your best friend, and probably the woman who’ll bear your children someday. Hopefully, they’ll get more from her end of the gene pool than yours, Heiji.
Oh, come on. Hug her! Kiss her! Do something, anything! Just don’t stand there with that stupid smile on your face, like you’ve just won some big-ass prize. Kazuha’s right. You’re an ahou.
For the record, I’ll spell it out for you. Heiji, yes, you love her.
No, it is NOT a boss’s concern for his little follower. You moron.
I almost wish I had arms so I could slap you myself. But judging from the look on Kazuha’s face, she’s more than willing to do that for me. So I’ll leave her to it. Let the girl have her fun. I think she’s earned it, considering she puts up with you all the time.
…I really wish you could hear me. It would make my job a whole lot easier.
Oh well. Sooner or later I’ll get to dump a few clues into your mind, and not just that stupid petty jealousy thing I’m stuck doing right now. Maybe the next time you two are dangling off a cliff and you’re actually admitting that you’re worried about her, I’ll be able to kick you in the proverbial ass.
Solve your case, detective. Revel in your little victory. Ignore the glares she’s giving you. Chatter with the short guy—I think he thinks you’re an idiot in this respect, too. I also think I like that kid.
Someday, Hattori. Someday, you’ll clue in that you fell for your best friend.
Let’s just hope she doesn’t kill you first.
PS. If you like, you can consider this a sort of companion piece the previous Hug. As you can probably tell, I believe that yes, Heiji has feelings for Kazuha, but based on the magician case (featured in this Hug, Volume 47, Files 8-11), I don’t think he is actually aware of it. So his cluelessness isn’t totally feigned. He knows something’s up, but he can’t figure out what it is. And lo, an extremely strange POV was born.
Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks for reading and reviewing, everyone. Much love!