Fandom: Detective Conan
Friends: Kudo Shinichi/Edogawa Conan and Hattori Heiji
Disclaimer: I do not own Detective Conan—all the characters belong to Gosho Aoyama. I just kidnapped them and hid them in my closet to keep them safe from…I dunno, something awful, I’m sure. Don’t worry, I feed them. Sometimes.
Summary: Conan realized that he hadn’t heckled Hattori in a while.
Conan was having trouble believing that it was actually possible for a person to be that stupid. But as usual, Hattori managed to destroy some of his dearest illusions by being living, breathing proof of that level of stupidity. The man was utterly hopeless.
For the entirety of the time they had been out to lunch with the girls, he had wanted to kick his Osakan friend in the shins exactly thirty-one and a half times. The half was from one instance where Hattori had started to say something stupid, but saved himself at the very last moment by cracking a joke instead—but if he’d been serious, it would have been murder. And he had wanted to kick Hattori in the head six times.
Honestly—how many clues and hints did the poor girl have to drop before the light bulb clicked on? Conan was willing to bet his first edition copy of The Hound of the Baskervilles that it was going to take a massive power surge (like a lightning strike) to get so much as a flicker out of this guy.
On the bright side, however, he and Ran would usually have to pay for this sort of entertainment. In this case, it came free with lunch. Let it never be said that he didn’t know how to see the silver lining in a given situation.
Poor Kazuha looked ready to explode. And finally, she got up and walked away, muttering something under her breath that sounded suspiciously like “shoe horn” and something about where she was going to shove it. Conan didn’t try to listen too hard; he had a feeling it would hurt on principle.
But then he got an idea. Truth be told, he hadn’t heckled Hattori in a while. And the opportunity was right there.
As Ran and the Osakan idiot headed out the door, Conan tiptoed over to Kazuha and gave her his best Cute Little Boy Face. “Ne, Kazuha-neechan,” he said innocently, “what does ‘make out’ mean?”
Kazuha’s eyes widened. “Where did you hear that?”
“…why does that not surprise me?” she sighed, already visibly gearing up for letting her best friend and resident ahou have a piece of her mind. “Don’t worry about it, Conan-kun—“
Conan went on, “Well, I was wondering because he said it about you.”
Now she stopped. “I…err, what?”
He nodded emphatically. “Yes! He said,” here, he paused and put on his best deep ‘big boy’ voice in the typical manner of a child trying to imitate an adult, “’Kazuha’s hot, but she’s such an ahou! I’d make out with her if she wasn’t so damn stupid!’”
Kazuha opened her mouth, closed it, then opened it again. “Oh…well, Conan-kun, don’t worry about it. Now excuse me…” She walked past him—completely oblivious to the fact that she was essentially leaving him behind—and headed out of the restaurant. Beyond the door, Hattori and Ran were waiting for them on the sidewalk.
Conan waited. He heard the first scream, and snickered.
If Hattori was lucky, she would be more impressed by his alleged comments about her hotness than by the ahou comments. If Hattori wasn’t lucky…eh, he had a thick skull. He’d be just fine.
PS. And with this, we have reached number twenty. Ten more until this challenge is laid to rest. YAY! Regarding the fic itself, I thought we’d had a few serious ones in a row, so we needed some humor. And no, I don’t know what Kazuha said or did in response to this. Conan is proud of himself, though. He’s being helpful!
Thanks for reading, all! Much love!