Author: Candyland (candy__chan)
Fandom: The Legend of Zelda: A hero named Link must find eight pieces of Triforce to fight a guy named Ganon and rescue a princess named Zelda. Who is apparently part of a legend.
Taunt: My fandom has Tingle. Please don’t hold it against us.
Was forged today. Three goddesses created world and put things in it. Like trees and other things that are not trees. Have decided that platypus is funny word. Goddesses said that world needed protection. (Also have decided that Nayru is pretty.) Created three of us. Was named Courage. Have two identical brothers named Wisdom and Power. Are all pleasantly three-sided and shiny.
Goddesses created temple today. Placed us inside it. Used very fashionable triangle set-up above fancy altar. Looks good. Would make excellent emblem for mystical kingdom hundreds of years down road. Am still very shiny.
Was worshipped today. Lots of people came and bowed down. Felt good. Sense they were impressed my shininess. Like temple. Temple is pretty. Could get used to this.
Miss sunlight. Shininess does not stand out without sunlight. Still worshipped.
Temple maiden dusted us today. Nose would have itched if nose existed. Wanted to sneeze. Dusting renewed shininess. Am still shinier than Wisdom and Power. Sense Wisdom and Power are jealous.
Was visited today by princess with pointy ears in pretty pink dress. Stood and stared at me. Noticed mark on her hand shaped like self and brothers. Very nice. Princess has good taste. Like her. Sense nice things from her. Also impressed by shiny crown of princess. Wish to befriend it, but cannot move.
Visited by ugly man with strange beard. Did not like. Was frightened by man’s greenish skin, red hair, and sideburns. And also aura of evil. Sense he will be trouble. Was very interested in Power. Must keep an eye on him. Still hate haircut. Am thankful to be hairless. Will never look like ugly man did.
Ugly man attacked castle. Have concluded that sideburns are source of power, but cannot prove this. Monsters everywhere. Princess came back and took self and Wisdom. Said I belonged to hero. Hope hero is not ugly green sideburn man. Was relieved when green man came and said he wanted Power. Shininess must have been too much to resist. Should be safe with princess.
Was broken today. Pretty princess with pointy ears said to break me. Not needed. Have concluded that pink wearing princess is not as smart as previously thought. Wish Wisdom was available to confirm theory on blonde girl’s intelligence. Miss brother Wisdom and discussion. Hope princess will take good care of brother. Wonder what will happen to pieces of me. Am in eight pieces. Not as smart as Wisdom, but can count.
Taken away today by nurse. Shiny surface dulled. Moblins are also stupid. Chased us. Pointy Ears said pieces of self would be hidden and guarded to wait for hero. Princess mentioned hero before. Am starting to think hero would be improvement. Doubt hero would have smashed self into pieces. Hope hero will be nice enough to fix mess made by princess and Ugly.
Am now in dungeon. Heard Moblin call place labyrinth. Do not like new home. Is darker than temple was. Does not even have candles. Am not impressed. Want word with interior decorator. Should be fired. Miss brothers. Wonder where hero is. Would like to be rescued from dark monster place.
Have decided that Moblins have no brain. Wish they would keeps hands to self. No temple maidens here to clean off fingerprints. Shininess is compromised. Wisdom and Power will laugh. Hope they are okay. Wisdom is safe with princess. Power is with Ugly Man. Feel sorry for Power. But feel sorrier for self. Power still in one piece.
Really wish Moblins would stop touching.
Stray Octorok wandered in. Hit with rock. Hate Octoroks.
Have no hands to clean slime off with. Am messy and not as shiny. Hate blob things.
Hate everything. Want hero to get here now. Cannot possibly be worse.
Hero arrived. Or person claiming to be hero arrived. Hero is small man-child with pointy ears and odd fashion sense. Wonder if hero has relation to Princess Pointy Ears. Hero has sword. Approve of this so long as sword destroys annoying Moblins. Hero held self over head for several seconds. Strange music played. Curious as to where music came from. Did not have much time to worry. Had to escape from dungeon. Went with hero back through rooms. Moblins were no longer there. Have decided that hero is wonderful and this will be good friendship. Hope hero will find other pieces of self. Have not seen all of self in long while. Am missing self.
Found another piece of self. Was inside different dungeon. Second piece shared dislike of Moblins. Second piece is smart. Am happy to find new piece. Had to fight past large lizard thing with very thick skin. Hero fed it bombs. Hope it got indigestion. Must find rest of self.
Three pieces of self found. Third was guarded by large flower. Said flower was very mobile. Tried to eat hero, and self by default. Was not pleased. Am not very tasty. Will cause stomachache. Hero destroyed hungry plant with bombs. Personally thought fire more efficient. (Also have strange urge to name dead plant Audrey. Do not understand.) Was not eaten either way. Am satisfied with that.
Am half complete. Found fourth part of self behind large dragon. Dragon kept losing heads. Does not seem healthy. Should see doctor. Piece for was happy for reunion. Am still not back to pleasing triangle shape. Must find rest of self soon.
Hate Octoroks. HATE.
Not even sure what to make of that big monster. Fifth piece secure. Hero seems pleased. Wonder what happened to Princess Pointy Ears. Hope she gets eaten. Serves her right for smashing self. Have realized self to be very vindictive. Rather like it.
Day 43,257 ADDENDUM
Hero started singing while walking. Wish for ears. Would tear them off.
Got pieces six and seven back. Hero was on a roll. Went through more dungeons. Stomped familiar monsters. Hero is carrying enough stuff to open store of his own. Wonder what one charges for ladder that is three feet high. Also wonder how in the name of Farore effeminate man-child carries so much stuff. Have decided hero is stronger than appears. That, or has some magic for carrying stuff. Said magic might be related to pointy ears. Wonder if princess has similar ability. Must ask Wisdom.
Hero is singing again. Make it stop.
Want to inflict much unspecified torture on sick deity who created Octoroks. Bet it was Din. She has sick sense of humor. Will have word with her after all put back together. Still have large hole in center of self. One more piece. Then self will be complete. Shininess will come back.
Retrieved final piece today! Am complete! Am shiny! Took long time. Lots of orange knights that don’t get hurt by sword. Hate them. Hero did good job. Would pat on back if had hands. Hero talking about saving princess. Assume hero means blonde princess in pink. Hope Wisdom is okay. Wonder if Power is having fun with unattractive hirsute man. Want to bonk Ugly Man in nose. Again, am handicapped by lack of hands. Must ask Farore to forge arms for self. Hope they will be muscular.
Spent day at fairy fountain. Hero wanted to rest before going to evil place to get princess. If place is evil, Ugly Hairy Man probably there. Hero should cut off sideburns. Evil will go away. Am sure of it.
Rescued princess. Was she of pointy ears. Had to fight ugly man after ugly man turned into ugly pig thing. Am confused why Ugly Man did not use evil magic to make Ugly Man less ugly. Have reached conclusion. People are strange. Hero shot ugly pig thing with pretty silver arrow. Princess was safe. Gave hero kiss on cheek. Hero blushed.
Returned to shrine with Power and Wisdom today. Feels good to be worshipped again. Missed home and brothers. Power says Ugly Man was jerk. Do not doubt this. Hope this does not happen again.
…am still shiny.
PS. Yes, this was very tongue in cheek xD That’s what I was shooting for. Ah, well. The title was directly inspired, and the formal partially inspired, by a Lord of the Rings fic, “The Very Secret Diary of the One Ring” by Soyotome. Overall…this was just me having a good time writing crack-fic. I hope you at least got a (shiny) chuckle. Thanks for reading, all! Much love!