Candyland (candyfics) wrote,

Fractured Fairy Tales: Snow White (FY)

Title: Fractured Fairy Tales: Snow White
Fandom: Fushigi Yuugi
Rating: PG
Genre: Humor
Publish Date: 7/29/2004 to 8/27/2004
Disclaimer: I don't own Fushigi Yuugi...NO DA! :D

It was the usual audience and the usual stage, hidden behind the usual curtain. The lights were at their usual level of dimness, and there were the usual noises of papers rustling and the like. It was just another day at the Fushigi Yuugi Theatre.

When the curtain rose, as usual, the audience burst into the usual polite applause.

Applause which froze instantly-in a slightly more unusual way-when Nakago, of all people, walked across the stage to the usual podium and set the usual book on it. He glared out at the audience before clearing his throat and beginning.

“Good afternoon,” he intoned, looking relatively bored. “I guess I’m the narrator this time around. So pay attention. Our show today will be Snow White. Enjoy it, or else.” The audience was suddenly very afraid. “Once upon a time-what kind of an opening is that? Okay…once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess. She was called Snow White.”

Nuriko skipped out onto the stage, wearing a dress and tiara. He waved.

Nakago rolled his eyes. “This princess was so beautiful that her stepmother, the Queen, became jealous.” Yui was then seen lurking in the background shadows. Everyone knew she was evil because she had developed shifty eyes. “This is because the Queen was evil. Heh, my kinda woman…anyway!” He hurried on when he realized just who the Queen was. “One day, the Queen went to her Magic Mirror, and asked it the same question she asked it every single day.”

Yui stared at the mirror. “Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the hottest babe of them all?”

“Now, usually the Mirror would respond that the Queen was. But today…” Nakago narrated.

Ashitare’s face stared back from the mirror, and replied, “Rar rar rar rar raaaaaaaar!”

Yui stared blankly, then turned to her seishi. “Psst! Translation, please?”

Nakago looked down at his book. “It says that he said, ‘Well, there is this…um, girl…’”

Yui’s eyes narrowed. “Can I borrow your whip?” The Spirit of the Mirror suddenly vanished, and Yui went on. “So, the Princess is hotter than me? How dare she!! Wait, I know what to do!”

“So the Queen ordered the Woodsman to take the Princess out into the woods and kill her, so the Queen would be the hottest babe in the land,” Nakago continued; his voice sounded strained at the idea of referring to the Seiryu no Miko as ‘the hottest babe in the land.’

Nuriko skipped out onto the stage, singing loudly. Fortunately, no windows were hurt during this impromptu performance. However, the happiness was short lived, as the Woodsman apparently didn’t like that particular song.

Chichiri sighed. “Why do I always get stuck playing the Woodcutter, no da?” Nobody answered, so he shrugged. “Oh well.” He raised his staff and brought it down as hard as he could on Snow White’s head. Snow White fell to the ground, unconscious. “That’s done, no da!”

Nakago looked down at the book, and back at Chichiri. “Chichiri, you weren’t actually supposed to do that. You were supposed to tell Snow White to run away, then go back and lie to the Queen.”

Chichiri looked down at the prone figure at his feet, and shrugged. “Whoops, no da!” Then he went chibi and bounced off the stage, leaving Snow White on the floor.

The narrator sighed, and turned to the audience. “Is there a Prince in the house? I repeat, is there a Prince in the house who can maybe remedy this little situation? We would appreciate it greatly.”

“I’m a Prince!” a hand shot up. “At least, I’m supposed to play one!”

Nakago cringed. He knew that voice.

Sure enough, Tomo—wearing some sort of royal-looking clothing and a crown stuck on over his enormous feather…thing—stood up and began crawling over people to get to the aisle. “Excuse me, excuse me—well, hello, big boy! Come find me after the show!” He paused to wink at somebody with orange hair and red eyes. Kyou Sohma, of Fruits Basket fame, went extremely pale (AN: Come on, you didn’t really think it was Tasuki, did you? For shame!) He then continued on his way, finally tumbling into the aisle and prancing up onto the stage. “I am here, people!”

Nakago looked faintly disgusted, but simply said, “What exactly is your character’s name?”

Tomo flipped his long feather-thing over his shoulder and said, “I am Prince Enflamo, silly! So who am I supposed to kiss?” He shot a sidelong glance at Nakago, and smirked. “Please be you…”

Nakago actually flinched, but pointed to the comatose princess, and said, “Snow White.”

Tomo…er, Prince Enflamo whirled and took a good look at the appointed person. Then he turned back and looked at Nakago with his nose wrinkled up, and said, “Uh-uh, nooooo way!”

“But you have to!” Nakago protested. He wasn’t used to people arguing with him. “If the Princess doesn’t wake up, we don’t have a story, and with no story, this play goes all to pieces! Now do it, dammit!”

“No!” Tomo crossed his arms and stomped one foot angrily, like a child having a temper tantrum. “For one thing, that kid’s got all the wrong equipment, for sure! Not happening, honey!”

“Uhhh…To—Prince Enflamo?” Nakago felt compelled to point out, “Nuriko’s a man.”

“The character’s a female. No way, Jose!” he smiled. “But you, on the other hand, macho man…”

Nakago stammered, “M-maybe we should talk about this after the show?” To accent his point, the symbol flared on his forehead, sending the overly touchy-feely Prince flying back into his seat in the audience. “Well…there’s no Prince as yet…maybe the dwarves could help! Bring out the Seven Dwarves!”

There was some shuffling backstage.

“Okay, first came…Slappy?” Nakago held the book up at arm’s length. “Yes, apparently there was a dwarf named Slappy. Slappy happened upon the unconscious princess.” Chiriko walked out and looked down at Nuriko. “So Slappy tried to wake Snow White up by…umm…slapping her?”

Chiriko obeyed, and began slapping Nuriko’s face. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.

“Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. So then came…Smelly? What the hell?”

“You think you’ve got it bad?” Miboshi floated on stage, bringing with him an extremely unpleasant odor; his little spinny-deal was clutched possessively in one hand. “I have to actually play the damn character!”

“You win—“ the words were cut off as Nakago choked on the smell. “Smelly…tried to wake…wake up Snow White by…ack…help…” The cloud of stink was too overpowering even for the mighty seishi, and he slumped over the podium and fell to the floor.

Chichiri bounded out, performed a little magic spell, and an industrial fan appeared on stage. It began blowing the smell back into the wings, away from the now semi-conscious narrator. Then Mitsukake reached out; there was a red glow around his hand, and a moment later, Nakago was revived. He stood up, straightened his armor, and retook his place at the podium.

“Since neither of these approaches worked—which shouldn’t surprise anyone with more than two brain cells,” Nakago sighed, “the next two dwarves happened along, and were given a chance to help the unconscious Princess. These two were called Topsy and Turvy.”

Amiboshi and Suboshi staggered out onto the stage. They were weaving, and occasionally just rammed into each other, then burst into fits of laughter, and resumed this odd behavior.

Nakago shook his head. “Topsy and Turvy both had slight problems with binge drinking, and because of this, they were often quite drunk. But anyway, they decided to try and help the Princess.”

Amiboshi looked down at the prone form on the ground…and burst into tears. “Ohmigod, she’s dead! She’s dead! That’s so terrible! Ohmigod…” He spiralled downwards into uncontrollable sobbing.

Suboshi hiccuped, then tripped over his own two feet and fell over.

“Hey…you fell down…haha…” Amiboshi actually giggled, then started crying again. “She’s dead, she’s dead, she’s dead! Why, God, WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

The narrator sighed. “It then followed that the two drunk idiots were forced to join Alcoholics Anonymous, and they were never seen again. So since they proved inept—which surprised no one, I’m sure—dwarf number five came along. This dwarf was named…Piggy.”

Miaka stormed out. “I’m going to kill someone.” She then took a bite of the candy bar she was holding. “Yup, somebody’s dying for this. I’ll have Tamahome kill whoever wrote this.”

The terrified author went into the Witness Protection Program.

“Okay, so Nuriko—um, Snow White is unconscious,” Miaka sighed; she obviously had no interest in playing this role. “Ummm…here, have a candy bar!” There was no response, and Suzaku no Miko shrugged. “Oh well, more chocolate for me!” She left the stage in a hurry, and the audience was left wondering what had just happened.

“And then the next dwarf got a shot at it…errrr…” the blonde seishi sighed; he seemed to be doing that a lot. “Actually, Tasuki was supposed to be the sixth dwarf, but he came down with a bad case of the flu. So they simply named his character Barfy and declared that was not to appear.”

A horrible wretching sound came from backstage. Everyone winced.

“…so the last dwarf was given a chance,” Nakago continued. “And that dwarf’s name was…Gir?”

On the cue, a little robot came running out, holding a little rubber piggy in one hand, and a taco in the other. It darted to the center of the stage and looked down at Nuriko for all of two seconds. Then he turned to the audience. “I’m gonna sing the Doom Song now! Doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, doom, dooooooom…” And without doing anything else, he skipped offstage, still singing the Doom Song.

Everyone stared blankly. Several females squealed in delight.

Finally, Nakago went on. “Ummm…okay, is there a real prince around here? Anyone? Anyone at all? Okay, it doesn’t even have to be a Prince, just someone of some noble rank. Just get the main character back on his…er, her feet so we can get this damn show over with!”

There was some scuffling backstage, and finally, Hotohori went flying headfirst from the wings. There were several snickers behind the curtain, accompanied by violent retching sounds as Dwarf Number Six, Barfy (aka Tasuki) continued to be extremely ill.

“You will all pay for this,” Hotohori shouted back towards his comrades.

“We love you, too, no da!” No prizes for guessing who that was.

The young emperor sighed. “I’m royalty. Will that work?”

“Go to it,” Nakago nodded.

“I would first like to say that I’m doing this under extreme protest,” he sniffed, tossing his hair and taking a moment to powder his nose. “All right, I’m ready for my moment in the spotlight!” He crossed the stage and knelt down beside the unconscious figure of his fellow Suzaku Seishi.

He took a deep breath, and gulped visibly. “Okay…here goes nothing…” He leaned down and pecked somewhere in the general vicinity of Nuriko’s face. Then he jumped back and wiped his mouth on his sleeve in a decidedly undignified manner.

But the response was immediate and decisive. Nuriko jumped to his feet and threw his arms around the emperor’s neck. Hotohori jumped away before the purple-haired seishi could really get a good grip on him. But there was no escape.

“Hotohori-samaaaaaa, you do care!” Nuriko squealed.

“HELP!” the hapless emperor turned and fled. The main character was hot on his heels.

It was complete chaos. Nuriko was chasing Hotohori. Hotohori was running away from Nuriko. Chiriko was slapping anyone who came within arm’s length of him. Miboshi had managed to kill off the first few rows of the audience. Suboshi and Amiboshi (aka Topsy and Turvy) had gotten into a dialogue from some American movie: “Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuude!” “Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!” Tasuki was still puking backstage.

“I quit!” Nakago, in a rare display of a real temper, threw the book in the air and stomped off the stage. The book landed on Nuriko’s head, knocking him out again, and giving Hotohori a chance to escape. Unfortunately, they were now back at square one; the stage was empty, save for Nuriko.

Tomo, back in the audience, stood up and pranced back up onto the stage and across the stage towards the wings, where Nakago had disappeared. He called after him, “Come back, Mr. Trojan!”

Tags: fandom: fushigi yuugi, fic: fractured fairy tales, misc: chapter-fic

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